Kingfisher Bay Resort: 3/10

"You must go to Fraser Island!" - advice received from almost everyone we spoke to regarding our honeymoon in Australia. Alas, we booked in London with an agency. We arrived in Brisbane, to be told we'd have to wait an hour for our pick-up. A four-hour road journey ensued in a bus whose air-conditioning wasn't working (no apology from the driver). When we finally arrived at the resort, we were shown to a smelly, ground-floor room that had three beds in it (remember, this was our honeymoon, and the resort had been advised of this well in advance). The ceilings and walls were so thin we could hear the screaming children and scraping furniture all around us. We asked to be moved. We were offered their "top-of-the-range" villa for AUS150 extra a night. It had the same musty smell and decor, but it offered more space and privacy, so we took it. The pools here are nice. But Kingisher knows it has a monopoly on the western side of the island (if you're going, stay on the east which is prettier and has more choice), so the restaurants - which are okay - are overpriced. The service - though some individuals do try - is woeful throughout: when my wife called reception to ask for more towels she was told there was a washing machine in our villa and she should wash them herself! Nevermind that we couldn't see a washer, and only found it later locked behind the villa owner's store room which we were told we mustn't open.

What I don't get is why our agents - a very large UK agency - booked this place to begin with? It's okay if you have a brood of screaming children and don't care about service. But this is not a resort for honeymooners. Everyone we subsequently spoke to on the mainland was totally unsurprised by our experiences. In short, avoid like the plague!

A Not So Silent Night: 5/10

When the Independent, The Telegraph and The Guardian all gave this gig four stars, I wondered if they'd been to a different Royal Albert Hall.

Clearly, they didn't pay £50 a pop to sit in the clouds where the performers were barely visible (no big screens) and where the sound system dared not - or could not - tread. At times, they contrived to render this - one of the world's greatest concert venues - to the aural equivalent of a church hall.

I wish that were my only problem with this get-together (though the rest is probably my fault). You see, as a fan of both Rufus and Martha, I had hoped for a song or two of theirs I might recognise. Instead, I got a Carol Concert and Christmas covers, the lowlight being Rufus's boyfriend singing "Silent Night" in German. "Churchill would be rolling in his grave," remarked a jolly Rufus. At least he didn't have to listen to this schmaltzy tosh.

Green's: 5/10

What a disappointment. My wife's cousins were in town. They'd read a list of the "100 best restaurants in London", and Green's made it in. I don't know how. Cheap, it ain't. Nor is there much to choose from if you're a vegetarian. The waiters don't understand when you ask for a starter to be brought with the main. They had an "accident" with my seabass, resulting in my dinner arriving 10 minutes' after everyone else's. The service was diabolical and slow; the portions tiny. My smoked salmon and scrambled eggs starter was delicious. But at a cost: the final bill came to a gargantuan £40 a head, not including tip. I won't be going back here in a hurry.

Funny People: 7/10

Panned by the critics as a self-indulgent first failure for Judd Apatow (Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin), there's much more to Funny People than first meets the eye.

Adam Sandler is George Simmons, a super-rich comedy actor who wants for nothing (notice the similarity?) except his old flame. He's diagnosed with a terminal disease, only to be cured. Along the way, he takes on Ira Wright (Seth Ragen) as his little helper-cum-mentee.

The jokes come so thick and fast I almost drowned in my own saliva: from Adam Sandler's piano-playing mockery of Wright's real name - Winer ("You're hiding some Judaism there," (and which reminded me of my friend, Ariel Winer's tale about the time it was announced over the school tannoy that "a real Wiener" should come to the Principal's office); to the funniest bit of all: Jonah Hill's discovery that all you need for a YouTube hit is to roll around on the floor with cute kittens.

Eric Bana, who plays hubby to Apatow's actress wife, is annoying. And there is a lull in the gag-fest halfway through (hence the 7/10). But this is - for me - yet another example of the goons at Time Out watching a different film to the one screened in cinemas for mere mortals. Funny People is a very funny film.

Foreskin's Lament: 8/10

The most blasphemously hilarious book I've ever read. I laughed on the plane. I laughed in the bath. And when I read it to my friends over Friday night dinner, we all laughed together.

Foreskin's Lament revolves around the mental, metaphysical jousting taking place between author and G-d. The highlight for me is the Blessing Bee contest, and in that sense it peaks in the first 20 pages. But Shalom Auslander is blessed with great penmanship, a wicked sense of humour and a deep-seated bitterness towards his parents, his religion and the Lord Himself. It can be repetitive in parts, but if he can keep his prose this disciplined, and recount tall tales as vividly as the ones he's experienced, then a rich, and long-lasting career beckons. Buy this book.

Mesrine - Killer Instinct: 9/10

My heart was still thumping in my rib-cage as the credits rolled on Mesrine - Killer Instinct. This is a violent biopic of the eponymous gangster, played by the sneeringly brilliant Vincent Cassel. Not one for the squeamish. But as a portrait of one of France's most notorious criminals, and as cinema, it is almost perfect.

Inglorious Basterds: 7/10

Jewish revenge-fantasy with snappy dialogue, creepy wit, some gore and a stand-out performance from Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds is a return to form for Quentin Tarantino. Just don't take it too seriously.