A view from the Foothills: 7/10

The man behind A Very British Coup has published his memoirs as an MP.

It's an eye-opening insight into the inner workings of the Blair/Brown machine which has ruled Britain since 1997. It also shows that MPs - despite their duck islands and moats - can be a human bunch, burdened with the same insecurities and troubles of plebs like us, and often saddled with unfulfilling and demoralising jobs that make zero use of a person's skills.

I zoomed through A View From The Foothills: The Diaries of Chris Mullin in what for me was record time (the last time I read a book approaching 600 pages I notched up two birthdays before I finished it!). It's witty, observationally brilliant and shows that for all his supposed decency, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is just a power-crazed, insecure schemer who now appears to be getting his just desserts.

The one thing Mullins wrote that I took exception to was his throwaway line that Cherie Blair's empathy with suicide bombers was no big deal. Hopefully in my capacity as a journalist I'll come across him before long and put that to him.

Otherwise, Chris comes across as a decent, honourable politician. And, as has since been revealed by the Daily Telegraph in an age where MPs try to blag the biggest plasma TV possible on the taxpayer's tab, Mullins makes do with a black-and-white set, because all he watches is the news. If only there were more like him (minus the Blair bit).

Joseph The Kitchen Fitter: 9.5/10

Finding a decent tradesman can be a nightmare. The trouble is, unless you want to spend over the odds to get your kitchen fitted by the company you buy the kitchen from, you need to find one. Luckily, some friends recommended Joseph.

Not only is he polite, friendly and honest (in marked contrast to my Polish builders (Joseph is Lithuanian), but he did an amazing job fitting our Ikea kitchen, laying our solid wooden floors and tiling. Where Ikea's people wanted to charge us £4,000 for installation, Joseph charged us about £2,500. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend him. I've not asked his permission to put his phone number down here, so I'll put his e-mail address instead, which is: fitterjoseph@yahoo.co.uk .

Good luck.

Synecdoche: 2/10

"This is tedious," says the wrinkled cleaning lady. "There's nothing there."

She's talking about life and the play she's rehearsing for. She might just as well have been speaking about this film. For not only is Synecdoche tedium in its grandest form. It's incomprehensible, depressing and, at more than two hours, it drags on for the eternity that the film seeks to show doesn't exist.

This film has - once more - shown me that critics have their heads so far up their own arses that they can only see film through shit-tinted goggles - so, when they see shit films, they actually look good. Either that, or they're shown different films altogether. How else can you explain the fulsome praise lavished on this film, or others, such as L' Emploi du temps, which make you consider having your nails pulled out with pliers as an enhanced evening of entertainment.

So what's Synecdoche about? I don't really know. Something about a successful - yet sickly - theatre director who loses track of life, time and his family. There are about three moments during the film when you'll laugh. But that's hardly adequate compensation for having to endure this drivel.

Which just goes to show - if you want an honest review of a film, read Grazia magazine rather than Time Out!

X Men Origins: Wolverine: 7/10

Persuading my girlfriend to see any film involving violence and genetically-enhanced super-heroes has never been easy. But X-Men is different. This is wholesome family violence, with a moral purpose to boot.

Wolverine, one of the good X-men from the original bigscreen trilogy, is the focus of this film which is, to all intents and purposes, a vehicle for hairy hunk Hugh Jackman.

All those flashbacks we see in the first three films - hinting at the hirsuite one's origins - are filled in. There are new mutants, both good and bad (including some who look set for their own X Man vehicle). Some live. Some die (you get a bonus if you manage to spot Shain from Neighbours). There is a fantastically unbelievable denouement (even more so than the rest of the film). And by the end of it all, you feel satisfied, that you got the bang for your buck, but with one unanswered question: what happens to Wolverine's brother?