The Budda of Suburbia: 8/10

I woke up at 4am this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I read the last 80 pages of THE BUDDA OF SUBURBIA. Three hours' later, I finished. And I felt good.

I bought THE BUDDA OF SUBURBIA about a month ago. I heard the author, Hanif Kureishi, give a reading of it at Book Slam, and he was hilarious.

"I told my kids I was going to a disco this evening," he recalled.
"A disco? Why?"
"For a book-reading," he'd replied.
"You want us to go with you to a disco to listen to you reading from a book?"
"Yes."
"Fuck off, grandad."
"Well at least I'm not a virgin," he retorted, to howls of laughter.

His writing displays the same wit, but also a much deeper understanding of human nature, and what it means to be a British/Indian/Muslim living in London. For me, he's like an Islamic Howard Jacobson: painfully funny, bitter, and a turn of phrase that keeps you glued to the page.

In THE BUDDA OF SUBURBIA, his Whitbread award-winning first novel, the coming (or should that be cumming?) of age of Karim takes centre stage.

Amoral, on-heat and disoriented by his dysfunctional, Ebony-and-Ivory parents, he finds himself through fucking, and being fucked. Karim can't empathise, and it's hard to empathise with him. But then, just observing his cheek, his complete lack of moral clarity and his humour is satisfying enough. As are the author's observations of a decaying 1970s London, where no-one works, the middle-classes pretend to care and people's moral centre of gravity is out to tea.

You Don't Mess With The Zohan: 7/10

Stupid, offensive and childish, this is one of the most politically-incorrect films you're ever likely to see. You Don't Mess with the Zohan also happens to be very, very funny.

The plot, insofar as there is one, centres around The Zohan (played by a Ruud Gullit-permed Adam Sandler), an Israeli counter-terrorism commando who dreams of becoming a hairdresser, and making everyone "silky smooth". That's not all he does. And in between hummus jokes, a Hezbollah hotline and a weakness for hacky-sack (not always involving the miniature bean-bags), there is some romance.

The film was criticised by left-wing magazines, like TimeOut, for stereotyping Palestinians and Arabs as bungling, happy-to-die terrorists. They have a point. But this film is so grossly offensive to both Arab and Israeli - and its ultimate moral so pure - that all you can really do is laugh.

Ultimately, though, this is just another Sandler-vehicle, albeit his most hilarious to date. For maximum effect, watch when exhausted and your capacity to think AWOL; this is stupidly funny cinema at its finest.

The Dark Knight: 9/10

Amazing, thrilling, brash, and reduced to only £5.99!.

I wouldn't normally write such a short, lame review, or so shamelessly suggest buying it. But when I popped into HMV the other day, it was still on sale for £17.99, though seems everyone is now discounting it: HMV's website has it for £6.99.

Enjoy.

Love2Recycle: 9/10

My Nokia N95 had been sitting in a drawer for months, unused, unloved, and (almost) forgotten. Then I read about Love2Recycle on MoneySavingExpert. There was a special £10 bonus payout on all phones. So I filled in my details, sent my phone in via the prepaid jiffy bag that arrived in the post. A few weeks later, a cheque for £110 arrived. Brilliant!

Marley & Me: 0/10

Ain't dogs just the cutest? Especially those adorable little Andrex Puppy Labradors that tumble over one another in adorably lovable ways.

The makers of Marley & Me clearly had this in mind when they turned John Grogan's memoir into a film.

Sadly, a feature-length Andrex ad would have been more entertaining (Look - he's got the loo roll. Oh my goodness: he's running off and leaving the kid just sitting there...). This is a film that has no redeeming qualities, no laughs, no tears, and, with the possible exception of Kathleen Turner's turn as a dog-trainer, no performances worth remembering.

Okay, so the dog jumps in a pool; it eats chairs; it licks people; it - wait for it - poos on the beach. Who cares?

More worrying still, this film is actually doing well at the box-office. Which either means I'm a cold, callous, dog-hating curmudgeon; or there are a lot of stupid people out there who think that a film about a man, his woman, and his best friend somehow qualifies as entertainment. Personally, I'll plump for the latter. My only solace from all of this is (SPOILER AHEAD), that the dog dies and has no puppies, which means there won't be a sequel. Phew!