Marley & Me: 0/10

Ain't dogs just the cutest? Especially those adorable little Andrex Puppy Labradors that tumble over one another in adorably lovable ways.

The makers of Marley & Me clearly had this in mind when they turned John Grogan's memoir into a film.

Sadly, a feature-length Andrex ad would have been more entertaining (Look - he's got the loo roll. Oh my goodness: he's running off and leaving the kid just sitting there...). This is a film that has no redeeming qualities, no laughs, no tears, and, with the possible exception of Kathleen Turner's turn as a dog-trainer, no performances worth remembering.

Okay, so the dog jumps in a pool; it eats chairs; it licks people; it - wait for it - poos on the beach. Who cares?

More worrying still, this film is actually doing well at the box-office. Which either means I'm a cold, callous, dog-hating curmudgeon; or there are a lot of stupid people out there who think that a film about a man, his woman, and his best friend somehow qualifies as entertainment. Personally, I'll plump for the latter. My only solace from all of this is (SPOILER AHEAD), that the dog dies and has no puppies, which means there won't be a sequel. Phew!